Thursday, July 9, 2015

Hobie "Roach" Quinn - 13 (July 9th, 1985)

Hey Bro,
These Jesus freaks are driving me nuts. You should count yourself lucky Ma didn’t have enough to send both of us to the outskirts of nowhere to some rathole. Next time she tells you that you’re going to have an “enriching summer”…run. Seriously. These guys are fruitcakes. They’ve never heard of Iron Maiden, Judas Priest or Van Halen. And it seems everyone here knows each other. It’s like a damn cult. Only person I know is this Sarah girl. I remember her from last year when I got my nickname. If Ma wasn’t so broke, I’d find a way out. Just the other day, I was at the canoe launch. Basically we just floated down a creek. No paddles, no current, no nothing. And the assholes call this summercamp.
Man..their bug juice. They made a barrel of this crap. It’s red and I’m sure it’s Hawaiian Punch but they added something extra. Like pineapple chunks or something. I think that's what got me and everybody really sick on the 4th. I had to climb out of my bunk cause I had the runs. I didn’t make it. Shit poured out of me like gravy. I hid behind a tree stump. Just letting loose. Oh what a relief. Must’ve been loud, since it woke up another kid, looking out the screen door. I told him to mind his own business.
It’s not all bad. There’s this homo looking guy. Goes by Dale or Dave or something. This dude doesn’t tan, he reddens. Then there's this fatwad named Zagnuts. He cleans the latrines and when I see him, I tell this guy some dirty jokes. Like the one about Pissball Pete:
Over the hill came Pissball Pete,
with 40 pounds of swingin meat,
then over the hill came Ms. Suzie Brown,
said no man can lay her down,
so he laid her down in the tall green grass,
and shoved his cock right up her ass,
then Ms. Suzie Brown blew a big bad fart,
blew his balls ten feet apart,
now over the hill comes Pissball pete,
with 40 pounds of shredded meat.
It slays him. Like the guy never heard of jokes before. His laughing is this huh-huh-huh from his big gut. Well, I hope you’re having a good time at little league. I got to split now, it’s lights out…at 8 at night. Can you believe this?
Later gator,

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