Zagnuts And His Bogus Night

July 13th, 1985

Man, fuck Dellamusa! Dumb jerkoff let me take all the blame for the panty raid. The worse part was that everything was going well til I panicked when I shouldn’t have and blew the whole thing. Joey posted me near the dark oak tree close to where I could see the Beaver bunk, which was the one that the girl counselors stayed in. They were real strategic. Joey and Matt flanked around the back of the cabin so they could go in through the windows while Rudy went to the front. Rudy knocked on the cabin door to create a diversion and just as the girls opened the door -- BAM! All hell broke loose. Total chaos! I could hear the girls screaming and I swear I heard some laughter, too. They were loving it! I do gotta hand it to that asshole Joey -- it was a solid plan. But I couldn't take it anymore, I had to see. So I snuck up to the cabin real quick, so I could see and it was beautiful. Tina and Amber and Brenda -- they were all naked! Tits bouncing everywhere! Then and I saw this shape coming out of the woods -- it was Phil making his rounds again! I jumped into the cabin so he wouldn't see me and shouted “You guys gotta get outta here!” Of course, I scared the shit out of the girls and they started screaming bloody murder. Then those assholes beat their feet out the front door and -- man, FUCK Dellamusa! -- they threw all that shit they raided right in my arms! So now those jerk rags are gone and I’m standing there with two hands full of Beaver Dams in front of all these pissed off girls. It was that bitch Tina who threw the first punch with her feather pillow and Brenda followed that one up right after. Then they wrestled me to the ground and started giving me wedgies. Brenda screamed, "How does it feel to be violated, porker?" It did not feel good. They ripped off my shirt and started slapping my gut. It was so embarrassing. Then it got pretty fuzzy. I’d rather be shat on by the devil himself than have to go through that kind of punishment ever again. I think some of them were grabbing tiny rocks from outside and stuffing them in the pillow sacks they hit me with! And the worst part? Sam saw the whole thing. She didn’t participate in the beat-down -- at least not from what I saw before the room started going white -- but I noticed her in the corner. Here she was the other day, thinking I’m a real victim -- kissing my forehead, all sympathetic for me and shit in the bathroom -- and now I’m this perv who likes to hoard panties. Don’t know if there’s any recovering from that. Jesus freaks don’t like that stuff.  

Well, I came to in Dave’s office. After Nancy checked me for a concussion, Dave told me I had to do midnight patrol the rest of the summer -- IN ADDITION to cleaning the bathrooms. He said he wouldn't put this in any report since he thought I learned one hell of a lesson. Jesus Christ, I said. Campers aren’t even looking up to me as a counselor anymore. I report to Walt more than I do Dave. The funny thing in all this is that I came to find out Phil wasn’t even on watch! Dave said he hadn’t even been seen at the camp in a day -- like he skipped off for town and took the bus home, or something. I don’t know who that dude I saw come out of the woods was, but all I know is he got me on night watch the rest of the summer, and I owe him a knuckle enima.