Ike Comes To Jesus

July 23rd, 1985

Dear Father,
  One of mine has strayed from the flock, perhaps for good. I am deeply concerned. I have not seen sweet Samantha Pugh in two days. The other night, she was swept up in emotion. She confided in me that she was on the verge of confessing her feelings to Mr. Dave, even though it had sinful implications due to the age difference. She feared that if she didn’t convey the matter to his pure nature, then, perhaps, things would progress down a darker path. She desperately needed--well, in her words--“to get horizontal with someone...probably Rudy.” I believe she meant Rudy the lifeguard. I told her to follow her heart, because Jesus is in there. Then she ran off. That was the last time I saw her, just as the lake side festivities turned into a hedonistic gala of wickedness. Heavenly Father...mine eyes witnessed things they cannot unsee. I expected sinful actions from the counselors, but not my fellow campers! Teddy Dillard was tearing the underpants away from all of the girls and rubbing them all over his body. That nice Jewish child, Stevie Fellberg, kept wagging his tongue and licking all over every camper. It was a demonic tongue, Lord. One that belonged to The Devil, himself. I accidentally discovered Jimmy Barnes receiving fellatio from that sweet angel Sarah Stevenson. My heart is broken, Father. I even caught Hobie Quinn eating insects and dirt. I tried to stop them all from committing such atrocities, but...I was not strong enough, Lord.
  The next morning I emerged from my long night of prayer to find the entire camp in shambles. There was debris everywhere -- beer cans, flung toilet paper, candy bar wrappers, banaka spray. Many of the campers had even failed to find their beds and slept where they passed out in the wet grass. Some were naked. And there was no Sam. I immediately went to Mr. Dave to report her missing, and he was as befuddled as me. He said she had come to his cabin just as he was heading for the bonfire and couldn’t even speak; instead she started gasping -- like, hyperventilating. Then she took off for the gathering. Mr. Dave said he would’ve gone after her except his hands were full with all the demented "hell" around him. I do not know what is going on with this camp, Father. But I feel your motives in sending me here are not in peaceful protest.
                                In Jesus’s Name,